Me, Myself and I

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Panasonic Love


For Christmas I got this really nice Panasonic DMC-FZ35!! It's really nice but the only problem is... I now have a hard time NOT taking pictures of myself. It's crazy.
The photo above is an experiment of hanging the camera from it's strap to a pole outside of my house. A little obsessive is only a slight explanation. If you love photography...can I get a woot woot?

Monday, December 27, 2010

A Pointless Post.

I don't understand my emotions. One day I will be as peachy as a peach and then the next, as crabby as a crab. One day I will be content with my life and happy with the results. The the night will come and all I can think about is the mistakes and changes I need to make in my life. But one thing that is not well known about me.. I analyze. Everything.
Analyze #1: I don't NEED friends. I like having friends and being with them can help me mucho, but I can live life without them. Because, I would rather be happy by myself then change who I am to fit into some kind of category. Is there such a thing as a healthy relationship?!?! It frustrates me to even think about.
Analyze #2: With God, anything is possible. Even when I am lost, confused, upset or mad... He can help me realize my potential and see the light. I am trying my best. Yet even that feels sooo very lacking. Is it because I am hyper sensitive and aware of all my downfalls or is it ME, am I just SO pathetic that I can't handle my own life!?
Analyze #3: I think some changes are coming into my life. I am feeling the calm before the storm. This scares me and makes me want to cry because I feel like I'm not going to be friends with a certain individual anymore. ;lkajsdflkjasdlkfjalskdfjakls;dfkasdfa;. Why am I who I am? Why me? For what reason on EARTH did God send certain people into my life?
Analyze #4: Even after everything and everyone, I wouldn't want to change who I was. If anyone is supposed to live a pathetic life, it's me. ha.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Loving Christmas.


Throughout all the world, Christmas has been a season of giving. Of loving others and service. This year has been hard in some ways but very rewarding worth it. It's like a rollar-coaster ride. You are super scared to get on and throughout the entire ride there are ups and downs that are completely terrifying. But once you get off, you look back and realize that it wasn't that bad. That the entire scary experience was worth it in the end. When life gives you lemons... you are grateful. I want Christmas this year to be about Christ, gratitude and loving others. What is your season going to be about?

Monday, December 13, 2010

I found this joke online. I thought it was really funny for some reason :)

"Myra was going to a Christmas party but needed a new party dress.
In the clothing store she asked, 'May I try on that dress in the window, please?'
'Certainly not, madam', responded the salesgirl, 'You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.'"

Oh the season to be jolly. I've been thinking a lot about Christmas and what it means to me. In only 12 days it will be Christmas and I haven't shopped or done anything for anyone. How pathetic...I know. For me, Christmas is about Christ. This morning I went to the temple (woke up super early..but it was worth it.) to think about my life more indepth. My plans for life have been shifting, changing with and without my consent. But as of this morning: Go to college (fingers crossed to get into SVU) and then go on a LDS mission! The other night I had a friend ask about the gospel and it made me reflect on how much I truly know. When I am a mom and raising my children in the church, I'm going to want to know the answers to their questions. Soooo that's what I have been up to or at least thinking about lately. Tis the season to pray, think of Christ and serve. Who's with me?!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Lugahter.


"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad"

Thursday, December 9, 2010

71% of the people I talk to the most = Teachers.

Teachers. Where on earth do they even come from? Are they even human?! I can answer those questions for you. They come from heaven and YES they ARE human! (weird I know!)
If I gave advice and I rarely do for people don't ever want advice, they just want to be listened to. BUT the biggest difference between an A- student and an A+ student is....... (drum roll please!)
BROWN NOSING. Even 'sucking up.' However you want to say it, it will still remain the same. I listen and talk to my teachers. I ask them how their days are going, what their spouse is up to, what's been giving them gray hairs, etc etc. All anyone wants in this world is to be listened to and appreciated. (and love and blah blah.) BUT if you want to get great grades this semester.. can I suggest a little tip. GET TO KNOW YOUR TEACHER. Not just for a day but for month, term, semester and even a year. Teachers give you the grades and you give them the attention. :)
"The art of teaching is the art of assisting discovery." ~Mark Van Doren

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Still more astonishing is that world of rigorous fantasy we call mathematics.


Who invented math? Cause whoever did.. shouldn't of. I've definitely had better days. But it's pretty official that I am an emotional roller-coaster with up's higher than Mt. Everest and downs that seem lower than..well..way down. I feel like Atlas. Here I am, standing alone with the world on my shoulders. Kendra suggested that I just "shrug." ha. ha. ha.
Ahhhh. I have nothing to say.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

In the Morning.




"The Room" -By Joshua Harris

This story stood out to me and I learned so much. If you have the time to read it, then please do. Because it's worth it.

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed."

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger," "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.

I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?

Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

New Colors.


New day with bright new colors. I've been thinking a lot about colors and how they correspond with our emotions within ourselves. How many times do we REALLY know exactly what we are feeling? Emotions are hard to pinpoint, but by playing this "what color are you?" game with Kay has been really helpful. Here is the negative/positive examples for each color that I use:

Orange: Confusion, regarding boundaries with relationships, this is where we sponge other peoples emotions, also an indication of anger, blocked creativity. Accepting, clarity about boundaries in relationships as well as clarity about responsibility.
Yellow
: Judgment, fear, worrying about what others think of me, not feeling good enough, low will to live./Joy, energy, trust, security, warmth, self-esteem, open to new possibilities, new experiences, love, nurturing or nourishment.
Green: Betrayal, sadness, desperately wanting love and approval. Green has to do with the heart./Feelings of approval or love, acceptance, healing and forgiveness
Blue: Blocked self-expression, unexpressed sadness, misuse of will, resentment, mourning or grief./ Freedom of self-expression, open communication, will center, having my will be in harmony with God's will.
Purple: God and Spiritual things/ Connectedness to God, feeling open to capacity to receive information from spiritual sources. The color of royalty or nobility

There are a lot more colors and definitions but these are just a few to get you started. So if you are ever having a confusing day and not quite sure what to do, think of a color, maybe even a shape and give to your Maker. God cares about me, that means he cares about you. Believe.


Sunday, November 14, 2010

HumorLess

Ahhh. So thinking about everything going on in my life right now and it's really hard to find humor when life is messing with you and turning everything into a nightmare. I love to laugh. More than anything. But when you are sitting all alone at lunch, in a teachers classroom because you have no caring friends and starving but not wanting to go eat, nothing seems funny. I want to have a wish to truly laugh everyday. But so farrr...no so good. I am consistently fighting myself to decide whether I should entertain myself, or get things done that I need to. Why can't there ever be an easy answer? Why can't it just turn into rainbows. lollipops. sunshine. "It takes the rain to know the sun." That has been my motto for these hard times, but there also gets to a point where you don't want to be wet anymore. OhhhOOhh what should I do???

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Im not morbid. ha

  • "Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
  • "Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
  • “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
  • “A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.”
  • “If your time hasn’t come, not even a doctor can kill you.”
  • “Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.”
  • “They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.”
  • “My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.”

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Donate a Volunteer


Yesterday I went to donate my blood and a lot of funny things happened! When I got there, (I originally went only as a volunteer) I ended up reading the poster, packet and everything else you needed to read before you donated. Suddenly my stomach started flipping and heart started pounding like sacrament on fast Sunday. I was supposed to donate my blood! I retrieved my license from the car (photo i.d.) and started the process. An American Red cross worker took me behind a booth to get me registered. I visualized myself starting to just scream at the top of my lungs and burst out laughing. Can you picture it? Everyone calmly having their blood donated when suddenly silence is broken by a crazy scream from a girl in the 'registration booth.' HAHAHAHA Donate blood. Laugh your heart out :)

Monday, November 8, 2010

Funniest Thing For Today.

This is a post for those who might be thinking about the awful fact that they have gotten into a car accident and are now trying to sell their car. DO NOT have a picture of your car, upside down, ready for sale. I burst out laughing when I saw this and I hope it made someone else's day as well. :)





Saturday, November 6, 2010

Entertainment.

Sometimes when I am thinking about funny things, I will randomly burst out laughing and it seems like everyone will turn and see what I think is so entertaining. When it turns out that I am laughing about something I imagined, it's always an interesting response that happens! :) Something funny I thought about. ANYTIME FITNESS. A gym in my hometown, is it always open or is Anytime Fitness only open between 8-5? :) Something else: Kaya Hartley. She is sooo funny. When I told her to not do drugs when she was leaving once, she replied in a gruff voice, "Don't tell me what to do!" She's crazy and I love her.

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Funny Things I see...

http://www.scottguitar.com/_wizardimages/funny%20face.jpg
http://ellemenager.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/funny-faces1.jpg

My WHAT IF Journal

I was telling Kaya about all the funny things that I imagine and that go on in my head and she kindly suggested to write them all down. This led to blogging all the funny things. So I guess, from now on, this will be my WHAT IF journal :) :)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I am my own best friend

Guess what...
Life is good. and I get to learn new things everyday.
I am taking a POWER 90 class that is helping me realize my goals.
Today, one of my goals was to wear ALL yellow.
THAT WAS AWESOME! I was a ray of sunshine!
I am at a hard point in my life, but also good.
God doesn't give us more than we can handle.
But we can handle alot.
:) make a difference!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Without God

As of right now. This day. This second in time.
Life is content and well.
Neato.
Swell.
Legit.
At peace.
Without God in my life, I am nothing. Zip zoda ZooKs!
I'm grateful for a caring family, great friends and a ever constant father in heaven.

Friday, June 4, 2010

being set free.




a new day is dawning.

everything had seemed so uncertain and I never knew what was going to happen next.
but now I do, at least for a little while.
I am moving back home!!!
Tomorrow I take the airplane and arrive.
my heart is happy and i am secure in my decisions.
thank you HF.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

New Home



Here it is. My new home. I'm not quite sure what I am doing here. I have prayed, fasted, prayed some more and thought and thought about moving and here I am. I guess I now have to realize that it's the right thing for me to do. I want to get a job but it seems hopeless. Please pray for me.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

All about me


I have rea
lized how much I don't appreciate what I love to do.
Yellow is my favorite color and daisies are my favorite flower. I
really enjoy seeing bright colors. Oreo milkshakes can turn my
entire month around. Every time I have a shake it can smooth
away my troubles and add to my peace. Giraffes. Who doesn't love
these majestic, noble animals that roam parts of the earth. My whole
life is related in certain ways towards a giraffe. It's crazy I know.
My journey: Is to find out who I am??!?! What DO I LIKE
TO DO FOR ME!!!?! NOT FOR OTHERS.
I seem to always give up and in. My goal is to find myself and become that
person, no matter what.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Sundays are such relaxing days, a time when everything slows down so that you can enjoy the moment. I didn't have the opportunity to go to church today, but I heard all about it. In relief society, they are welcoming in the newly graduated seniors. I am turning 18 this summer and I am going into relief society, even though I have another year of school left. Anyways, Mom stood up in front of everyone to share a little bit about me. It was really heart warming. Sometimes you don't know if you are appreciated but today proved that I am. Now I have to return the favor by giving a talk in church next Sunday for Mother's day. Wish me luck :)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

From worse to better

Today I came home early from school! Everything was very overwhelming and I just realized that I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It became a GREAT day after that! I did much needed laundry, watched relaxing movies, played some basketball, listened to romantic music and did no homework whatsoever. Both movies that I watched (yes, i admit to watching two movies in one day) were both filled with "daddy/daughter relationships." Needless to say, I was in tears for most of the time. I wish I was a better daughter, sister, friend and student... yet I always seem to step back and not put forth all that needed energy. What is wrong with me? I have to solve that out! Don't you worry..............

Monday, April 19, 2010

PROM DRESS SHOPPING


Today was awesome. The past couple of days have been extremely stressful to me because I have been trying and trying to find the PERFECT prom dress. It's really hard since I am such a picky personality. This photo to the right is the pretty purple one that was over $200. I WISH!!! haha. So I went all over with Kaya, Obnette, Kiana and even Mom! Spent over 6/7 hours trying to find something. FINALLY i came upon a dress at DEBS (in the mall) and I kinda liked it, but fell more in love with it every second :) MY PROM DRESS!!! <-- click this link to see it!!! :D I hope you like it as much as I do!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Today we went to the Provo Temple to do some family names my Dad has been searching for since forever. He got to baptize Kendra, Kiana and I. When it was my turn and he was reciting what needed to be said, he started crying. In honor of one of my ancestors, Minnie Bell. I have no idea who she is, or why it made my dad cry but I have been thinking about it a lot. I love going to the temple. I always seem to stress myself out about it, convincing myself time and time again to not go, but once I'm there, everything turns out perfectly. Its such a blessing in my life to be able to go to the temple and live so close by it. My goal is to visit all the temples in Utah. So far I have visited the St.George, Monticello, Manit, Provo, Mt. Timp, Draper, Oquirrh, Jordan River, and Salt Lake. If I could, I would visit all the temples in the world. I wonder how long that would take :)

Monday, April 5, 2010

Cause Kendra Says So

Once upon a time, there was a girl that loved to blog. Except her sister said it wasn't "good." What does it take to make a good blog?? Well no one really knows, but Kendra thinks she knows. If I write anything important, I'll let you know, but for now. its just this.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

laughter.

Laughter is an instant vacation.
Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.
What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other.
Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense.
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Seven days without laughter makes one weak.
A laugh is a smile that bursts.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sometimes its not Fun

I love to have fun, more than anything
Sometimes life gets to you.
Actually, all the time my life gets to me.
Its not very fun.
I seem to get very overwhelmed and stressed
Then my instant reaction is to retreat back into myself
Its hard for me to always be happy.
Sometimes I have to fake it.
Put on a smile, grin and bear it.
Sometimes its not fun,
but its worth it?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Obnette

This is Obnette.
She's my best friend.
Happiness.
Forever Friendship.
Together we are:
Unstoppable
Silly
Others find us:
Random.
But we aren't,
We know eachother
That isn't random.

my family + photobooth = cuteness

This is my wonderful family.
Not all of us.
But most of us.
I am the middle girl.
Out of five.
We don't look very much alike.
I'm the tallest.
Kiana's the shortest.
But...not for long.
What more is there to say?

Kendra Is.

Kendra is awesome.
Sometimes.
Depends on the day.
She does everything I do.
Shes my favorite.
Congrats Kendra,
You've made the team.